In 2008, I set my intentions to see the face of my fears. The time was ripe. And the universe presented the fruits of my labors.
In late August, I got an urgent call. My mother-in-law was being taken by ambulance from Santa Maria to Santa Barbara. And she wanted me. Before she allowed the doctors to do anything, she wanted me there. I am her medical agent, the one responsible for following her end of life wishes, yet she was fully cognizant, just scared.
So I drove the 45 miles to the hospital knowing this was it. I would be facing one of my fears. As a nurse practitioner, I had been called upon by the family many times over the years for medical advice. It was assumed by my elders that I would be the one to take care of them. And frankly, after decades of providing care for others I did not want to end my life as a caretaker. Plus being a caretaker is hard physically, mentally and emotionally. I have counseled many suffering from depression, insomnia, anxiety, and utter exhaustion from long spans of care-taking.
I knew that it was time to take in Steve’s grandmother while his mother recuperated. And then we would take her. And I knew my husband would agree to whatever I decided and would do everything he could to help. And I also knew it would be me doing all the work.
So I stepped into the ER and stepped into my fear. The family gratefully released all to me. My mother-in-law only signed the emergency surgery release after I counseled with her. It was clear that Steve’s grandmother was not happy being handed over to his aunt and uncle. So once his mother was taken to the operating room, we offered to take Gran. There was little resistance.
Gran came home with us. She was delight, but not safe with her rickety cane on our hard wood floors. So we got her a four wheel drive walker and at 89 years old Gran became mobile again. My mother-in-law had been living with her for the past six years and slowly Gran lost her ability to be productive…or so we thought. To me she was more than willing, so I put her to work. Gran was delighted to help and we found her much more capable than her daughters had reported.
She helped fold clothes while watching Ellen every afternoon and in the evening helped me with dinner. When Steve finally brought his mother home from the hospital, she was surprised to see Gran cutting veggies. “She can’t use a knife! She’s on Coumadin!”
I smiled. “She’s been very careful and if she cuts herself, luckily I can stitch her up.”
Shortly after she arrived, Gran said, “Since my stroke, I can’t smell very well. So you’ll have to tell me if I need a bath.” A day or two later, I sniffed her and announced it was time. She balked a bit nervous to have me help her in and out of the bath. But I had the perfect set up. Our guest bath had a tiny soaking tub with a seat inside an enclosed shower. So I warmed up the bath, and helped her in. Then she sat down, “Uh, oh!”
“You aren’t going to be able to get me up.” The seat was too low and her arthritic knees were higher than her hips.
“It’s ok, Gran. I’m a nurse. I know how to lift you.”
She shook her head, “You’re too little.”
“I’m strong, Gran, and Steve’s here if we need help…”
“Oh, no. I don’t want Stevie to help.” Great!
Ten minutes later, all parts of Gran were sparkling clean and I was soaked. After a failed attempt to lift her from the edge of the tub. I stripped off my sodden nightgown and climbed in with her. She laughed telling me that’s how her other daughter did it. I placed one knee between hers, squatted down, “one, two, three” and lifted Gran to her feet. She held me tight as I helped her over the edge of the tub and she didn’t let me go.
“It’s so nice to hold you like this,” she whispered. It was nice. “But there’s only three breasts between us!” She had had a mastectomy thirteen years before. I almost dropped her laughing!
That was Gran always finding delight in everything. I know it’s not easy accepting help especially if your role in life is to be of service. I hope I am a gracious patient and not a burden on my loved ones. But the stress of illness and the demeaning role of incapacitation can make the best of us turn sour. Yet Gran was a delight.
My mother-in-law was another story. I have yet to meet a medical professional who is a good let alone gracious patient and my mother-in-law is a retired nurse. She also had become one of those resentful caretakers that I didn’t want to emulate. So although my care-taking load more than doubled when Steve brought her home from the hospital, I was determined not to lose myself and took time every day for me.
Shortly after they arrived I got a call from Steve’s cousin. She had just been diagnosed with breast cancer. When it rains it does pour. So I spent time counseling her, helping her to see the spiritual message of the dis-ease. I find that breast cancer patients are very good at taking care of others, but quite poor at self-care. Their body speaks to them through the dis-ease. “Time to nurse me please.” I think she got it. And so did I.
I was so busy during this time, that I did not record it. There is nearly a month missing in my journals yet it is burnt into my memory. And it happened again the very next year. And the second time, I took care of them both for months instead of weeks. Yet in spite of the incredible stress, I am left with such pleasant memories.
Every afternoon, after Ellen, Gran asked if I was free to have coffee with her. I was still seeing patients three days a week in my office which is on our property. My mother ran my practice and was in charge of keeping an eye on Gran while I was in with a patient. Gran would push her walker out onto the patio overlooking the herb garden and chat with the patients as they admired the flowers. And when the last one left, I would sit and have a cup of coffee with her.
And I learned how to sit and enjoy being. Gran loved the garden, the flowers, the hummingbirds that would visit us, the butterflies, even the jays that shooed the songbirds from the feeders and especially the antics of the squirrels as they scolded the cat and the crows. Gran took delight in being alive. And I took delight in being with her.
My fear of care-taking transformed into joyous service. I had written about joyous service in LoveDance® but for the first time, I got to experience it. The family thought I was a saint. My husband cannot thank me enough. Yet it was I who am ever grateful for the opportunity to serve in love and joy.
Excerpt from My LoveDance
Life seems to be shifting so rapidly now. So many of my patients are presenting with complaints of stress, insomnia, anxiety, depression and fatigue related to major life transitions. Divorce and other significant relationships ending, deaths of friends and family members, loss of jobs and homes, accidents…especially motor vehicle. It’s as is life is pulling the rug out from under us.
Even happy changes like new relationships, weddings and childbirth can bring a sense of unease as you attempt to balance all you’ve been with what you’re becoming.
During times of transitions, life can seem daunting. Your head is in the clouds wondering where you’re going or your feet are stuck in the mud of self doubt.
I always counsel my patients that everything is a blessing, often in disguise as a lesson. The secret to thriving during change is to open to receive the gift of each and every encounter.
Here’s how to stay grounded in gratitude during life’s transitions: Read the rest of this entry »
Have you ever smelled cookies baking and are transported back to grandma’s house? Our sense of smell is key to our memories. In the ancient centers of our brain, our lives are encoded by odors.
Our sense of smell, more so than any other sense, is linked to the part of the brain that processes emotion and associative learning. The olfactory bulb which sorts sensation into perception is part of the limbic system—a system that includes the amygdala and the hippocampus—parts of our brain that are vital to behavior, mood and memory. Read the rest of this entry »
As our population lives longer than ever before, many of us are becoming caretakers for our elderly.
As the brain ages, sleep lightens. When enough sleep is missed, the brain can become over stimulated. Then it becomes even more difficult to get needed rest.
In desperation, most of us tend to reach for either pharmaceutical drugs or natural remedies to help us sleep.
Some elderly people get overstimulated by that which should calm them down. It can be the first dose or an over accumulation of medications or supplements that they haven’t completely metabolized. Read the rest of this entry »
By 2012 I had made a drastic change. I was about to embark on a new professional venture and began to have trouble breathing. Here’s my journal entry from then and how I experienced my body symbolizing soul lessons:
Thinking a lot about why my business has whittled down since moving it home. I have envisioned for years this decline to correspond with Steve’s coming retirement. Yet it is taking a toll on my ego.
Had a thought while walking Charlie in our favorite meadow; Steve and I had been texting about me waking up in the middle of the night worrying about my choices. In relinquishing the party line both conventional and alternative that creates dependency, and giving my patients what they need (not necessarily what they want–like high dose BHRT), have I cut off my nose to spite my face? Read the rest of this entry »
We present this excerpt from “My Lovedance”because we believe the methods used to calm a situation down are vital for the now, and we don’t want to wait till Christmas.
Learning to be my truth within my family of origin has taken a very long time. It is our soul work to witness our lessons in the mirror of those we love. And families are magnifying lenses…
Dec 23rd, 2003
Off to Utah for the family holidays. Anxious premonitions of my beloved Santa cup breaking. After 20 years of keeping them safe for my sisters, I tried to pack them carefully, but one tumbled out of the car, so I traded my unscathed cup for the fractured one. This trip is about breaking attachments, perhaps to things, but yet deeper, to what I believed my sisters to be. As I am coming to know myself as joyous passion I shall recognize who they are as love. So many sister dreams lately. Since childhood, I have flown in my dreams stringing them along like Peter Pan, barely able to get them off the ground. Lately in my dreams, I do not hold their hands, but try to teach them to fly on their own, but they resist. I feel tired, saddened. Will my sisters throw me out like Yeshua was thrown out of Nazareth? Strangers can be more accepting than those closest when you change too rapidly. Read the rest of this entry »
From Living Fast and Dying Young, to Living Slow and Dying Old
Will our grandchildren be an entirely different type of human being? Evolutionary anthropologist Cadell Last has a theory that humans are undergoing an evolutionary transition that is being driven by our culture. Rather than biological evolution that caused physical changes in our evolving species over millions of years, Last believes that cultural evolution is changing the human species in a matter of decades.
What we focus our attention on, what we do changes our DNA. We are becoming a new type of human being. Cadell Last explains that, “Humans are naturally interested in music, movies, mathematics, and science and all of these things. So we’re just entering a world where we can own our own cultural reproduction, and we can engage in this for an entire lifetime.” Read the rest of this entry »
We have heard much of the Mind-Body connection. How thought creates reality. I believe the connection is deeper. That the body is the perfect vehicle for the soul in this earthly dimension. It is through the dense, sensual physical body that the soul learns profound lessons and experiences precious gifts.
Within the temple of the body exists all the knowledge needed for the soul to complete its journey here on earth. The vital information lies deep within each cell, in the genetic blueprint—the DNA. Encoded for optimal existence, our DNA resonates with the earth, with the plants and the animals. And our DNA resonates with others through the experience of Emotion. Emotion is the path to the soul, the body is the garden in which the path takes form. Read the rest of this entry »
My husband’s grandmother stayed with us. At 89 years old, Gran was on a lot of medicines. Many of which, she no longer needed, but as she said, “The doctors never take anything away, only add more.” Plus all her dietary supplements… a total of 23 pills.
Gran is the typical geriatric patient. Being treated with drugs for every complaint. Let’s count them! Read the rest of this entry »
Since being back in the throng of conventional medicine it has become very clear to me that our health care system is parasitic. It feeds off dis-ease.
Insurance pays poorly or not at all for health education to empower patients. It pays by diagnoses—the more dis-eased, the more it pays. Yet you cannot treat everything at once.
No, insurances do not pay well if you try to take care of all the patient’s concerns in one visit. It pays to have the patient come back and back again for each complaint.
And there is no time to educate, let alone empower the patient. Read the rest of this entry »